Notice to all employees

( As read on full-disclosure )

Subject: Notice to all employees
Date: Tue, 24 Feb 2009 13:06:14 -0500

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown
of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme
to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person
may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as
Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income
for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Eamings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management
has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring
to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to
give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Management

( I hope you enjoyed this :) There is also an USAF version from 1997 ).